That Immigrant Song

Fox News artist's concept. 

“What we know is we’ve figured out a simple truth—one which evades too many of us in this broken world. And that simple truth is just this: nous sommes ici ensemble. We’re in this together. Our neighbour’s strength is our strength; the success of any one of us is the success of very one of us. And, more important, the failure of any one of us is the failure of every one of us.”—Naheed Nenshi

                Let’s suppose it happened somewhere else. Somewhere more tolerable to our delicate opinions, somewhere less volatile, somewhere not so suspiciously newsworthy. Let’s say it happened in Norway, beautiful Norway. A cataclysm, a crisis.

                Let’s say that in the near future there’s an oil industry disaster, or something more far-fetched like a Nordic earthquake or a Swedish invasion (pfft) or a disease that affects only healthy, ridiculously good-looking, and educated Scandinavians or, since we’ve gone this far, let’s say the frost giants come back and it’s Ragnarök.

                Point is, the very worst happens to lovely Norge and the people have to flee. They need to run, and they need help.

                So, do we close our borders to them, remembering that they were once Viking marauders, once raiders and killers, and according to their metal scene there are still some who lean that way? How can we possible who among those masses of women and children side with the All-Father? Or do we spend months and years putting them into camps so we can say we’re “screening” them, weeding out the bad seeds, when really just keeping them at arm’s length? This is our way of making sure that we keep out one, just one, who worships Tyr?

                Because, if we’re afraid what this group of educated and physically-fit Northmen who could serve as a potential labour force in an aging nation with a low birth-rate will do to us if we let them in, those camps are better than ghettos, right? Because that’s where we’ll be putting these people, or where they’ll put themselves. Little Viking corners of cities. Ghettos. And historically, those always turn out okay, right?

                Ah, but—and if I may continue my roll of satirical rhetorical query—why is it our problem? Why aren’t the Swedes, the Danes, the Faroese, the Icelanders, hell, the Minnesotans taking in their fellow Scandinavians?

                I would that it’s shameful how nations that in my mind are so similar to Norway—and thus, not so put off by their strange customs—are not taking in who I view as “their own.” But then, I would recall that the constitutional monarchy I live in is and always has been defined metaphorically as a mosaic, a culture that has always been defined by its immigrants. To define those immigrants as only a certain type is to ignore history and to show evidence of far too much viewing of American television.

                But then I might say that this is different. I know that this country was built by immigrants—and don’t bring up that whole tired Native thing because they just need to learn to live in our society and get over it—but those immigrants should be white, Christian, English-speaking and look like the Royal Family. Can we just agree to sign up for the next Irish potato famine and take no immigrants until then? We have no room for these Norsemen in a country that takes up the second-biggest area in the world and has the population of one (uno) Mexican city. We’ve had enough issues with the Frenchies forcing their unused tongue onto our cereal boxes.
               And what about the homeless and the impoverished Canadians? Shouldn’t we take care of them first? I always worry about them . . . whenever I need an excuse to refuse immigrants. After that I ignore them completely, the societal leeches. (“Spare a loonie?” “Get outta here, y’greaseball.”) I mean, you can't  support more than one charity at a time, it's not possible!

                We can’t let these Norwegians in, they’ll change our culture. Just like the Vietnamese did in the 80s. I mean, those people just about took our culture over with their straw hats and sub shops and . . . y’know, stuff. What if these immigrants try to eat herring or put slashes through Os or do biathlons? Next thing you know our dignified and ancient and unchanged heritage will be altered, the one that has been exactly the same since the arrival of the NATIVES EUROPEANS CHINESE TO BUILD THE RAILWAY AMERICAN LOYALISTS JAPANESE FISHERMEN PEOPLE FLEEING THE WAR OF 1812, WORLD WAR 1, WORLD WAR 2, COLD WAR, KOREAN WAR, VIETNAM WAR . . . immigrants.

                I mean, sure, a mosaic is made up of lots of little pictures, but I feel the best mosaic has tiles that are all the same colour. Like the walls of a prison shower.

I know, I know, there really is no “archetypal Canadian” but we know for sure what a Canadian is not. It’s not some blonde-haired blue-eyed hulk in a funny sweater and bizarre curling pants with an affinity for cod!

                We need to keep this country pure, and by pure I mean, y’know, my idealized version of how it was when my dad was six, when there were still residential schools and racial and gender segregation, when we shot the gays and a woman knew her place was bellied up to the stove, and there were no Arabs or Africans or Chinese people (outside of a laundromat) around here. Y’know, the time when the world was right.

                Plus, these people come to our country and they don’t even mix. These Norwegians would be just the same. Soon every city will have this Little Oslo, where you don’t feel safe at night and everything smells like seawater and elksteak. They won’t blend with us locals, like we do when we go to Mexico and the one day we leave the resort where we actually go through the gate and we go to the cleanest-looking McDonald’s we can find and we try to see how these people really live for an afternoon.

                This is all just hypothetical, of course. It’s a “what if” for putting in perspective. This wouldn't happen in Canada because of course we wouldn’t keep a people out just because they’re different, just because we don’t understand them, just because we’re ignorant and don’t really have a good handle on the situation, just because we're paranoid, just because we’re basing all our thinking on stereotypes and Facebook memes.

                It wouldn’t ever really happen.

(Oh, and Matthew 25: 40-45 for all you scriptural types.)