Can We Stop Bullying?

Can we or can't we? Best be realistic about what it is first.

     Because I always post on the first of the month, I've been wondering if my intended topic for today would still be, well, topical come November 1st. I think it's fair to wonder, when you consider how quickly things become wildfires on the web, and then just as quickly become old news. Remember Kony 2012? (Pay attention to the news Nov. 17th, by the way).
     Fact is, when something gets public notice, two groups of people speak up very quickly. The first are those who hate anything popular (you'll recognize them for their biting comments on music based on judgement made of the fans rather than of the music's own merit). They hate anything a lot of people--especially people they consider dumber than themselves--like. "It's not the cause I hate . . ." Then there's the second group, the cynics, the folks who say "Well, actually" to any idea presented anywhere, at any time. Their input serves as a distraction, as confusion. Nothing helpful. They're the Apple Maps on the iPhone of life.
     So I waited a few weeks and I am surprised and energized to note that people from the media to the water cooler are still talking about Amanda Todd, about her suicide, about cyber-bullying, and about that age-old question of how we stop bullying at all.
     Young Amanda Todd, an insecure teenager, someone looking to fit in and looking to be loved, made the mistake of exposing herself on the Internet. There are those who have well, actually-ed her mistake. Apparently, they were never young, they were never insecure, and they were never capable of a judgement error. She made a YouTube video crying for help and lashing out at her tormentors. The bullying worsened. She took her own life. Her story has been discussed and debated, her tormentors were (or were not--that one didn't make sense to me) exposed online. The Well, Actually faction started asking why everyone cared now. Where were you when she was alive and asking for help? What about all the kids being bullied right now?
     There they had a point.
     I work in a school, and this has been a constant issue this month. Much of the discussion has been aimed at how we can stop bullying. Can bullying be stopped? To decide on that, I think we maturely need to consider what bullying is.
     As simply as I have heard it defined, bullying is when you judge the faults of someone else, and act upon those judgements. It can be expressing this verbally and physically, and usually to a third party or parties. Making someone else feel bad because of what you judge to be wrong in them. It helps you deal with your own insecurities, because you fear your own bullies or--and this is most often the case--because you truly feel you're better than them.
     One of the results of Amanda Todd's suicide that has bothered me the most is the focus on schools and kids' use of social media. Basically, this has isolated bullying to the one place and the one virtual place where kids spend most of their week. This ignores how big bullying is. Limiting it to the confines of Another Teen Movie underestimates it, and makes it appear as if bullying could be wiped out because it's contained; this is especially how it sounds when well-intentioned adults and media bleeding hearts get involved. "We can step in and save these kids from the mess they've created from themselves." Crap.
     Ever heard a dude make fun of another dude in the change room at the gym? Ever see a co-worker reprimanded by the boss in front of everyone? Ever seen a rich aunt or uncle lord it over the rest of your family? Ever see someone mocked by his buddies for going to church? Or a family at church sitting by themselves after the service because they're new converts? Ever been at a staff function where a group of co-workers form their own faction? Ever seen a husband or wife speaking for their spouse in public? Ever complained about a socially-awkward friend of yours behind his back?
     Of course.
     Bullying is human behaviour. It's insecurity and judgement expressed by treading on the insecurities of others. Bullying is not a kid thing or a school thing. It's everywhere.
     The other issue that has risen is adults coming out and declaring that they were bullied in school, like it's some great revelation-party at the expense of one family's grief. This isn't a hidden shame, or homosexuality; this is bullying, and given the definition as I stretch it above, we've all suffered it at one time or another.
     Before you light a torch and come after me, let me amend that last statement. Yes, we've all suffered bullying, and we all still do every day. But it comes in degrees. Some of us build defences to deal with what we can. Some, like Amanda Todd, run out of places to run.
     The difference for us in 2012 can be seen by just looking at a comments section following an online article, or the thread of conversation following any disagreement on Facebook or Twitter. We are much more comfortable saying rotten things to and about each other when doing it online, and even better if we can be anonymous. I don't like to declare that the world is a worse place than it once was, but I will say that we treat each other worse with greater speed and greater fervour. Bullying has become easier and nastier.
     I won't avoid the question of whether bullying can be stopped, but I will not answer firmly with yes or no. I will answer with the tip of the solutionary wedge. I believe bullying can be lessened. I believe we can step away from the slippery slope above which we are now perched. However, to do so requires internal changes, not schools or work-places enforcing zero-tolerance policies and saying "good enough." Though it may make bullying less public, it's just bullying the bullies. Our beliefs and behaviours need to change.
    At the risk of sounding like a hippie--and who cares, it's better than the alternative--the change has to start with you. You can't expect bullying to lessen or even go away if you refuse to stop judging and expressing your judgements  You as a single person must choose to cease your bullying behaviour. You must actively try to stop yourself from judging, mocking, critiquing, and scoffing.
     So can we stop bullying? It depends on whether you just judged, mocked, critiqued, or scoffed.