There is an Elf on the Shelf in my household, and for
some reason that draws criticism.
Last
year was our first year being visited by Russel, and his evening activities
range from Lego prisons to marshmallow snowball fights to tormenting our betta
fish Seamus to chandelier yarn bungee jumps with the cast of Toy Story. Russel adds a lot of fun to a
chaotic time of year.
It’s
a fairly recent trend, this—it’s the fact that it’s a trend that I think is the
real source of its ridicule—where your children are visited daily by a red elf
who then goes to the North Pole every evening to report on the behaviour
witnessed. A way of further shoring up the Nice list, I suppose.
The initial idea was kids
would search the house for the tricky elf, but more and more the elves are
setting themselves up in elaborate, Pinterest-inspired action scenes.
I’ve noticed a lot of
bad-mouthing the Elves on Shelves this year. There are parents who find it a
chore, and parents who find that smug little face just a touch too creepy. Fine
and good, you don’t have to do it. We don’t have a nativity scene . . .
But it’s getting out of hand.
There are articles everywhere you look decrying the Elf as promoting Big
Brother totalitarianism (http://www.canadianliving.com/moms/blog/editors-desk/the-elf-on-the-shelf-is-creepy-and-possibly-promoting-a-totalitarian-regime),
and academics coming out on reputable news shows (http://www.cbc.ca/thecurrent/episode/2014/12/22/elf-on-the-shelf-normalizes-surveillance-state-for-kids-says-academic/)
telling us that the Elf is “normalizing surveillance,” and thus traumatic to
our children. The long-term psychological damage can only be guessed at!
Take a step back and give your
heads a shake. It’s a magic toy.
This, this is the Christmas
tradition that bothers you? A playful elf that tells your kids, “Hey, be good,
I’ve got a direct line to the big man”?
Seriously, this is a concern?
We’re talking about a holiday
of Celtic/Norse/Saxon origin that was commandeered by Christianity and then commandeered
by Coke, and this is what bothers
you? This?
This bothers you, on a holiday
based around the human form of a deity born to a virgin in a stable causing
great fanfare and royal visits because one day his claim to fame would be
getting brutally executed?
A
holiday where a supersonic overweight geriatric commits millions of break and
enters while scarfing pastries and possibly making out with your mom?
A
holiday that causes you to nail tube socks up next to gas fire places?
A
holiday where millions of perfectly good fir trees are annually hacked down, shoved
inside, whored up as fire hazards, loved dearly for three weeks, then hucked
out the door?
A
holiday that sees energy costs quadruple as neighbours try to outdo each other
with outside lighting visible from space in an orgy of un-Christmasy
competition?
A
holiday that sees consumers dive deeply into debt just to stuff electronics
into said tube socks?
A
holiday where god help you and call your lawyer and prepare for assault charges
if your kid wants the latest battery-powered fluffy toy?
A holiday
where we insist on buying people we don’t really like things they don’t really
need in the hopes of achieving that one moment of eye-opening bliss when we are
briefly acknowledged for not screwing up?
This,
this is what worries you on our most
incomprehensible and idiotic of holidays: a stuffed elf?
Maybe
we should just admit that it’s a growing trend and the only thing more certain
than a growing trend is hipsters and pseudo-intellects picking it apart.
Because we wouldn’t want something innocent and fun to be just that for the
very few years we can enjoy it with our children.
No,
wouldn’t want something fun to happen at Christmas, no sir.
