My Zombie Fab Five

            I’ve always been prone to recurring dreams, but my only recurring nightmare involves zombies. Oh, I can hear you sniggering, but I can’t really control what my subconscious chooses to boogedy me with, now can I? Well, I guess I could try not to continually exacerbate the issue by watching scary movies, but then we’d both be without this blog.

            The dream: I’m at home, I look out the window. Zombies! Slow, shuffling, moaning, coming to my house. They’re at the doors and windows, so with video game reflexes I’m assessing the defensibility of my residence (try it, it’s fun).

            Weapons? Curse my left-leaning pacifism! Alright, where’s my toolbox, then?!

            In a four-level spilt, upon which floor do you make your stand? Basement? No, we all know that plan always goes sour. Top floor? Can I make the jump from bedroom window to garage roof? Dammit! This nightmare was so much easier to manoeuvre when I had a top floor apartment.

            They’re coming in, they’re coming for me—then I wake up. It’s four a.m. I open the curtains and look out at the street until the first car or drunken teenager or Tim Horton’s early bird senior walks by to ensure me that civilization continues, such as it is.

            Cliché? Absolutely, but a guy can’t help what he dreams up.

            It makes me feel so mundane. I mean, they’re everywhere these days, those zombies. Have you been in a book or music store? Parodies, survival manuals, brain recipes. . . . The world’s gone nutty for zombies. It’s so bad that I think if the Zombie Apocalypse (they call it the “Zah” on Twitter) actually happened, it’d last about an hour because we’re so darn prepared for it. Pride and Prejudice, Marvel Comics, Alex Trebek—everything is a zombie these days.

            Why? Well, George Romero, the Granddaddy of the Ghoul, who brought us the modern zombie flick with 1968’s Night of the Living Dead—and has made so many of his own sequels to it that he’s currently working on Dead of the Dead—he’d tell you that he was satirising capitalism and television-viewing. We’re just getting worse, so all the more reason for more send-ups. And, for the idiots out there who are being mocked by these films, they get to make their own flicks that are just about dead people eating brains.

            Anyway, here’s a list of my top five favourite zombie . . . things—because one isn’t a film. Oh, I’m sure if you read this you’ll say that I missed some obscure Japanese cult film that nobody’s seen. Good for—and screw—you. It’s my list.

5. Resident Evil 2 (1998). Don’t know a thing about R.E. 1 or 3 or any of the others. Haven’t seen the films, either. Let me set the scene: it’s the winter term of my last year of university, I have to complete sixteen academic papers in four months, some of them in the 30+ page range. At the end of the day, the last thing I’m feeling like is more reading. I borrow a buddy’s PS1, this game, dim the lights and wrap a blanky around my shoulders. Was my nightly habit for about a month.

            I’m not much of a gamer, but I do know that this thing handled zombies perfectly; it’s the only time I’ve actually jumped from fear playing a video game. Every shot was a scene, and it was always unsettling when you entered a room and heard a moan and a shuffle step.

4. Dawn of the Dead (2004). Yes, the remake. Yes, Romero’s 1978 version is better because it’s simpler, and I’ll correct the error you might feel I’m making when I get to #2, but this film scared the beejezus outta me in a way nothing but #1 did—and in a whole new way. Romero’s social commentary was better, but this one freaks me out so badly because of the speed. The zombies sprint. Yikes! They move as fast as we do, and that makes for a whole new game. Now, officially I don’t approve of running zombies because I think it misses their symbolism (see:  http://vikingpaul.blogspot.com/2010/05/i-like-my-undead-evil-thanks.html ). However, on the scare scale, this sucker transcends Romero. That first ten minutes (right through the opening credits with Johnny Cash’s own genius remake of “The Man Comes Around” playing over society gobbling itself up) is enough on its own for a dozen sleepless nights. Plus, Sarah Polley is awesome as usual.

3. Shaun of the Dead (2004). This work of genius sends up every zombie standard going, often doing it better than many straight zombie flicks (especially better than the crap made in the Splatterin’ 80s). It’s also genuinely scary in its own right at times. When buddy gets pulled through the window and torn to blood puddin’ and kidney pie—damn! As with Rick Mercer and John Stewart, parody often does a better job than what is being up-sent. I could have also picked Zombieland, which is a damn fin yuk/yuck flick, but Shaun is just a bit wittier. Maybe it's the English accents versus the Texan ones that makes it seem smarter. Regardless, Simon Pegg is a gift the world doesn’t deserve.

2. Night of the Living Dead (1968). I need to ask your forgiveness. My zombie phobia began with the viewing of the 1990 remake of this gem. That was enough for nightmares. Years later, I went back to the source. Black and white, chocolate sauce and barbecued ham, budget of pocket change, unbelievably poor sound, and sketchy fight choreography all aside, this forty-two year old Romero masterpiece still gives me the friggin’ willies. I have no nostalgia bias, either. I’m never big on saying first is best if the re-do is better (Batman movies, Brannaugh’s Shakespeare films), so I don’t cotton to the commentary that this is good because of what it inspired. That’s like saying John Lennon’s mom is the reason the Beatles were the Beatles. This movie is just that effing terrifying.

1. 28 Days Later (2002). The purists will say I should have #2 as #1, as this is not technically a zombie flick. Eat brain, purists. Rules? This is horror fantasy. Half the zombie movies out there don’t even explain how the Z.A. started, they just skip to the frontal lobe nibblin’. It doesn’t matter that these are “humans with rage” rather than bonafide living dead. This sucker is bone chilling because, again, zombies that run cause different problems, but mostly because Danny Boyle is good at movies, where Romero is just good at horror movies, bless him. My viewing of this led to the worst few years of nightmares I’ve ever had. The sequel was iffy, though still disturbing at times (beaten to death with machine gun—shown from perspective of night vision scope on said gun). One of a kind, and just as good in the critical social commentary department because it shows just how bad we’ll get once the zombies are in control.

Brains!